Live for Now
by hidden-in-a-tree
Summary: Greg’s mind won’t slow down. All he can think of is his and Nick’s future, and this leaves him wondering if they even have one. Oneshot. Angst. Nick/Greg. Greg’s POV. Slash.


**Author's Note:** All mistakes are mine, because I like to meddle and I am not perfect. xD

Oneshot. Angst. Nick/Greg. Greg's POV. Slash.

**Disclaimer: **Once again I am compelled to say that I do not own any of the characters mentioned, but just once I wish I could say: "Yep. They're mine."

**Acknowledgements: **Thanks, as usual, to Amanda for proofreading, putting me in my place, and keeping me on my toes.

**Summary: **Greg's mind won't slow down. All he can think of is his and Nick's future, and this leaves him wondering if they even have one.

**Live for Now**

"_Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith."_

_-Henry Ward Beecher_

The house was dark, silent. Not even a murmur could be heard, and not for the first time Greg wished he could be sleeping softly along with his partner, not troubled by his worries of the future.

He gently pulled back the light blanket that was covering his lower torso and got up from the queen size bed in their room. For a moment he just observed Nick sleeping in the gloom. Even in the shadows Greg could make out Nick's chest rising and falling in time with his breathing, and he ached to curl up with the Texan and just drop everything out of his mind.

Greg sighed softly as he exited the bedroom. His bare feet made no noise as he crept down the hallway, past the bathroom, the office, and the room that held his guitar and keyboard. He had no real destination in mind; all he knew was that he couldn't sleep.

After wandering aimlessly around the kitchen, putting a few things into their respective cupboards, he collapsed on to their oversize brown leather couch. Greg put his feet up onto the aged black coffee table and leaned back in to a bright green throw pillow, his mind buzzing with unfinished thoughts.

Where was all this relationship leading? Did they even have a plan for the future?

The CSI Level One felt his body tense up in anger. Goddammit. Why couldn't he just not think about this kind of thing? Why couldn't he just let the future come as it pleased?

He shook his head and, once again, got to his feet. Without really knowing where he was going, he let his mind go over those questions again as his feet led him upstairs, past the spare bedroom and out onto the balcony.

The desert wind whipped Greg's messy locks as soon as he had stepped out onto the wooden deck. He could almost smell a hint of rain in the air, and he could feel the electricity of a storm coming. Maybe that was why he was restless, but Greg doubted it. He knew the reasons, and he had no way to remedy them.

Greg put his hands out and grasped the cool metal railing, leaning over to see the street below. No one was moving in this neighborhood. It was so different from his old apartment. At his old apartment, there was always movement, always people, always something to keep his mind busy. Always someone to talk to when he needed it …

He took a deep breath, letting the smell and the taste of the air wipe his mind clean. He let his eyes fall closed, letting his senses loose. He could feel the railing under his hands, the wood under his feet, the wind in his hair. He could smell the rain, the desert, the earth. He could hear a distant rumble of thunder, a car backfire far away in the distance, his own heart strumming in his chest.

Greg opened his mouth, letting the taste settle onto his tongue. He knew it was foolish, but right now it was if the air had felt … new, somehow. Clean.

He opened his eyes, letting the far away lights of Las Vegas tantalize his sight. He could see flashes of orange, red, pink and green. He could see a lone firework go off somewhere to the North end, and he could see the lit up skyscrapers to the East. Las Vegas didn't sleep very often, but tonight it seemed as if slumber was lying lightly on the city's eyelids.

If only Greg could let sleep take him. If only he could stop his mind from probing the problems that could arise, searching for answers that he would never have. If only he could just let the future come as it came, without worrying.

A nervous tingle had started near Greg's bare toes and it was working its way up his legs, up through his heart and out to his fingers. He could never let go of the anxious edge when it came to his and Nick's future.

The one thing that really made Greg wonder was the fact that this relationship might not last. Of course no one knew if a relationship was going to work out, but Greg didn't know what he would do if this one failed.

Nick … well, he was the one thing that really made Greg want to get up every morning. He was the one thing that could bring a smile to his lips, even if his life was falling apart around him. Nick was someone Greg could lean on if his world was being ripped out from under his unsteady feet. If Greg faltered, Nick would be there to help him up. Nick wasn't there to guide him and hide all the hardships of life from him, so he wouldn't be there to keep Greg from falling, but he would be there with a helping hand.

Falling … Greg had done a lot of falling lately. He had fallen hard for the charming Texan. Nick was everything Greg had wanted when he thought of love. When he was with Nick, he had a sense of companionship that he had never felt before. Nick knew Greg better than he knew himself, and that was a feeling Greg both loved and feared.

Could Nick tell he was uncertain about everything?

Greg had fallen into a cycle of fear … fear that he would lose Nick forever. He couldn't see what would potentially take Nick from him, but … but the thoughts wouldn't leave him. There were so many different ways they could be wrenched apart: work, a new love interest, a family problem, just falling out of love, death …

A violent shudder grabbed him, forcing the morbid thoughts out of his mind for an instant. Death … that was something he did not want to think about at all. That was way too far away into the future, right? When they were old men, their hair completely white and their teeth falling out. Not now … not at this age.

Greg took a calming breath, his heart rate slowing a bit as the lights danced in front of his unfocused eyes as another question stood out in his mind: Where were they going with this?

Greg knew for a fact that he loved Nick. He loved everything about the older man, from his sensual accent to how he made pancakes on their mornings off. He also loved how Nick would listen to Greg unconditionally, no matter what the topic was. The Texan was always there for him, but could this last?

There are always different people out there; maybe Nick would tire of him? Would Greg ever get bored with Nick? Would that even be possible?

And what if they just … fell out of love? Greg knew that wouldn't happen to him, but what if it happened to Nick? What if one morning Nick just casually mentioned, "Oh, and by the way … I'm moving out soon because I don't love you anymore."

Greg closed his eyes again, tears pricking at them. He forced his mind to go black for a second, just silent, focusing once again on what he could feel, what he could hear, what he could smell. Anything to bring him back to the present.

In the back of his mind, Greg heard the balcony door open behind him, but he didn't turn around. He already knew it was Nick.

"What are you doing, Greg?" the Texan asked, his voice low and sleepy.

"Thinking," Greg responded, opening his eyes.

Nick moved to stand beside the younger man, his hands holding the railing lightly, watching Greg through tired eyes. "About what?"

"About everything … but mainly about what's going to happen to us … where we're going."

"I was hoping we were going back to bed," Nick yawned, pushing a hand through his sleep tousled, dark brown hair.

Greg glanced at Nick. "I meant 'us' as in a couple."

"Oh."

Greg took a deep breath, as the world seemed to close in on him. He needed to be let his thoughts out; he needed Nick to know what he was thinking. "I'm just … God, I don't know where we're going with this, Nick. I keep thinking about the ways that I'd lose you, and I can't even imagine how I'd feel if that happened. So much could happen in the future, and I … I feel that if you're not in my future, then I won't _have_ much of a future."

Nick sighed and moved closer to Greg. "I don't know where we're going to be twenty years from now, ten years from now or five years from now. I don't even know where we're going to be a week from now. A lot can happen, G. All I know is that right now I'm standing beside you, and I'm not planning on going anywhere."

Greg turned to his right, leaning up against the railing. "You don't plan it … but anything could happen. I—I just don't know anymore."

"I don't know where we're going to end up, Greg, but I do know that I love you, and that kind of love doesn't die. It just keeps on burning, getting brighter and brighter."

Greg's eyes moved over Nick's tender face, and he could see the truth in the older man's eyes. "I guess I'm just going to have to live with that unknown factor."

The Texan sighed deeply again, and embraced the younger man. "We all do, G. It's called life."


End file.
